Mother of the Year: A play in one act.

Okay, picture this:

Setting: K-Mart in Kent.
Characters: Breanna with Quinton and Addison past naptime without a bottle for Addison and without a cart for Breanna who has her arms full of sweatpants and shirts for Quinton because she can't find them ANYWHERE else in the whole CITY and didn't expect to find them at KMart, but did.

Scene opens with Addison running screaming, "Bro, bro! Catch me! Catch me!" as her brother chases her through around and over clothing racks in Kmart.

Cut to frazzled mom searching for navy blue sweatpants in size small. "Damn! Are these black or blue?" (FYI, they were both black and I bought them both!)

Suddenly aware her children are being obnoxious...

Mom: Come on kids, let's go look at backpacks.

Kids and mom meander to backpacks placed inconveniently near the toy section where Kai Lan dolls are luring the small girl into a stupor.

Mom: Come ON, Addy.

Addy goes down the wrong aisle on purpose. Quinton and mom go opposite ways to trap her...you get the picture. This goes on throughout the backpack arena. Mom grabs small girl's hand. This sets off WWIII. Mom lets go of hand so as to not cause more of a scene and saunters toward check out stand before meltdown reaches epic proportions.

Addy: I want BOTTLE.
Mom: We will get it back at grandma's house.
Addy: I WANT BOTTLE! (girl throws herself forward to floor in front of mother)
Mother steps over small body and moves forward without looking back knowing her Klingon child will follow. Mother also hopes that the small child will not dart down the aisle directly to their right which holds glistening displays of Martha Stewart Everyday Glassware.

Enter unfortunate sixty year old woman KNOWITALL OBSERVER.

KNOWITALL OBSERVER: "Don't do that!"
Mother of small daughter turns to KNOWITALL OBSERVER and shoots her a "you talking to ME?" look.
KNOWITALL OBSERVER: "She's just tired!"

Mother of small children with arms full of sweatpants and hoodies turns to KNOWITALL OBSERVER. Mother then rashly decides to turn and approach KNOWITALL OBSERVER with fury in her eyes that possibly is misplaced aggression.
Mom: "YOU DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO TELL ME HOW TO PARENT MY CHILDREN!" (yes, this was said loud enough to be in all caps and turn heads)
Mother follows KNOWITALL OBSERVER for two aisles.
Mom: "No, don't buy that. Don't even look at it. I don't think that is a wise buy. And don't look at that sales flyer in your cart because impulse buys are always most rewarding anyway. I really think you should listen to my advice because I really do know so very much about everything. Do you appreciate my advice that you didn't ask for?"

Meanwhile, children are trailing behind mother, bewildered. Mother comes to senses and realizes she needs to go before she has security called on her.

Mother walks to register immediately and begins paying for merchandise.
Addy: I-WANT-BOTTLE!!
Quinton: Can I have chapstick. PULEEEEASE? I really NEED it.
Mom stares at Jon and Kate Plus 8 headline and ponders buying magazine to escape.

As we exit store, KNOWITALL OBSERVER is unfortunate enough to encounter us once again.

Mom: "Goodbye mother of the year."

Exit.

Lights dim